Lost

Pernah ngerasa nggak punya tujuan nggak sih?

Ngelayang sana sini pake energi keisi penuh, lari-lari agresif ke suatu tempat yang pas didatengin ternyata fatamorgana; sampe kamu cape dan ngerasa “ini apasih?” terus akhirnya mati rasa.

I understand that maybe it’s not an interesting read. But my blog has been and will always be a copy of my mind, so it says what it needs to.

Waktu kamu merasa terlalu receh, terlalu jauh di belakang, terlalu cupu untuk melanjutkan jalan remah rotimu. Dan dengan tanpa sadar kamu memupuk seluruh ketakutanmu, keragu-raguanmu. Semakin hari semakin besar, semakin hebat, semakin tau cara membuatmu mundur perlahan, atau lari kencang, tapi tanpa tujuan.

                                                                                                                

I’m getting so lost in my own mind. And it always ends up with daydreaming; I fantasize everything, I constantly making up scenarios in my head, all the time. Well actually, in reality, I don’t really know if I have done something right or not. Or have I ever done something?

I don’t know whether or not it happens to normal human being, but sometimes I just don’t recognize myself. I starting to worry myself that I'm the only person who does this.

I have so much things in mind, but it all seems too good to be true. It doesn’t feel like something real, but crap, it’s addictive, I need it more and more every day.

I try to make it, but I get lost on my way to it. A lot of things scare me. I just drag myself down then.

I start taking a step back. Or I just run. I run because sometimes that’s the only thing I know to calm myself down. Until I feel better. And then I realize that I just lengthen the distance between my current place and ‘somewhere-something I don’t know but excites me’.

And I do regret. But then I repeat. Every time.

When you really want to tell everything, but not even a proper word comes.

I am not alright.